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Day 25 – Self-Value

Three things focusing on others does to me:

It allows me to sidestep my own issues and obligations

It allows me to harm myself

It allows me to devalue myself

When I lose the music, when I dance to another’s tune, I feel empowered at first. I no longer have to deal with my own faults; I do not have to do my chores. I’m on break. All I have to do is to dance to their steps, jig and jump and jive to their rhythm.

But it isn’t natural. I’m playing to a meter that I cannot own and after a while I begin to fail. Hearing the dissonance, I blame myself. I’m not trying hard enough and I flap and flail until I have hurt my own self, one way or another.

And then I announce to anyone who will hear that I am not good enough and ask for their congratulations for having tried so hard. I have no value if it is not set to another’s music or to their applause.

I have, at last, made myself into nothing of worth and I am lost.

Until at last I remember who I am and dance to my own tune, once again.

Published in January


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